Two Ears, One Mouth: The Art of Listening

Listening well

When I told my sister Liz about our plans for a Listening Tour she winced, “Peter, but you don’t know how to listen!”  And when, later in the weekend she met and had a conversation with Dave full of his wit and repartee, she was NOT reassured.  Liz is practicing Shambhala, a Buddhist practice founded by a Tibetan monk.  She is learning a method of listening that is very intentional.  Instead of the I’m-listening-to-what-you-are-saying-noises -- “uh huh,” “yes,” "uh, I see" -- Liz is learning to listen intensely but passively.  She explained that this is the way to be a compassionate listening. "Oh, and don’t interrupt or tell your story in response to theirs," she adds, eliminating one of my favorite "listening techniques."  Liz says, "Leave silences after someone speaks so they know there is still room for them to continue if they have more to say."

This coaching from my sister made me realize that given the main purpose of our trip was “to listen,” Dave and I better step up our games-- maybe even practice a little.  At one of our regular Friday morning planning breakfasts, we reviewed a document called “listening stumbling blocks,” a humbling exercise that describes twelve ways that people listen poorly.  We could each claim four or five -- unwittingly demonstrating them as we talked over each other at breakfast.

Listening to people with whom you disagree

With our listening-skills-awareness activated, we began to realize that it is one thing to listen better to family and friends, but  it is another to listen to people who may say things that we disagree with, or worse, find offensive.  To help us prepare for these more difficult, but essential encounters, I turned to a cottage industry of organizations and practitioners in what I'll group as "bridging the divide" activists.

One is Megan Phelps-Roger who grew up in the inflammatory, intolerant Westboro Baptist Church.  In a TedTalk she tells the story of her upbringing in the Church and subsequent evolution leading to her leaving it and teaching others techniques for respectfully engaging people with whom you disagree.  Her instructions are:

1. Don’t assume bad intent
2. Ask honest questions
3. Stay Calm
4. Make the Argument, Explain

Dave and I have forsworn item 4, Make the Argument.  We believe we don't have an argument to make until we better understand the perspective of people who see things differently that we do.  But it is good to know where it fits in.  (And maybe we'll need item 4 upon our return to the Bay Area!)

Yesterday, on the eve of departure, I met with Kern Beare.  Kern was inspired by the same gut wrenching feeling Dave and I had last November: “I don’t understand how many American’s think.” Kern, who is much more of a professional in the world of listening and facilitating difficult conversations than we, hit the road in January on a Pop The Bubble Tour. Along the way he crafted five techniques: Be Curious, Listen to Understand, Be Respectful, Stick With It, and End Well.  He is now leading half-day workshops aimed at building both the skills of listening and processes for using dialog with people with whom you don't agree to help bridge gaps and heal communities.

Difficult Conversations: A Cottage Industry

Other similar programs are also springing up: Livingroom Conversations, Jefferson Dinners, Listen First Project, and Bridge Alliance appears to be an umbrella organization linking these many initiatives.

Eve of Departure

I’m feeling better prepared now.  On the eve of departure Dave and I are aware that HOW we listen is important and there are tested techniques for us to use.  Furthermore, while I now realize our epiphany: "Hey, we need to take a listening tour," is not an original idea, we have fellow travelers on our listening journey road, and the experience of these pros can help guide our trip.

-- Peter

Listening to a Listener

Joe Simitian is the Santa Clara County Supervisor for the Palo Alto area.  Read: "Silicon Valley."  I attended a talk he gave yesterday at Palo Alto City Hall.  He shared with us (300 in the room)  what he learned from a series of three listening tours earlier this year.


Why he took embarked on Listening Tours:

• We (in the Palo Alto area) are living in a bubble in a bubble in  a bubble: 12% voted for Trump vs. 21% in Santa Clara, 32% in  California and 46% nationally.
• We know the rest of the nation is  not homophobic, Islamophobic, etc....we need to understand how they are  viewing things that led them to elect someone I feel is not qualified  to govern the nation.  To find out "what happened" I need to hear directly from the voters.

 He visited:

• Robeson County, North Carolina -- West of Wilmington and on the border with South Carolina
• Robeson and Cambrian are poor.  Robeson is rural; 1/3 below poverty level; 5:1 democratic and 70% non-white.
• Cambrian County, Pennsylvania -- Between Pittsburgh and State College in west central PA
• Macomb County, Michigan -- Industrial county directly north of Detroit
• Macomb  voted for Obama twice; is dependent on the (saved) auto industry; saw  its unemployment rate drop from 16% to 6% under Obama and voted for Trump with a 10%  margin.

He spent one week in each county and conducted over 100 interviews.  The  common characteristic among these three counties was that they voted for  Obama in 2008 and 2012 but for Trump in 2016. Joe spoke with a wide range of residents across the political spectrum -- in meetings, coffee shops, county fairs, etc. -- but was particularly looking for the people who had voted for Obama and switched to Trump.

Joe spoke with a wide range of residents across the political spectrum -- in meetings, coffee shops, county fairs, etc. -- but was particularly looking for the people who had voted for Obama and switched to Trump.

Here is a summary of what he heard:

The 2016 Presidential Election:

a. He heard less about the issues of the election than I expected:  Obamacare, social issues (abortion, etc.), immigration, the Wall, terrorism.

b. I heard an earful about Hillary Clinton: over and over and over again.  It was the most common topic people wanted to share. A democratic, Johns Hopkins (college) educated mayor said, "I would have voted for Stalin before I would have voted for Hillary." 

Explanations for not voting for Hillary Clinton

• Trust (email, Benghazi, Clinton Foundation) Joe: "I heard more about Bengazi than Obamacare!"
• Don't like her (corrupt, condescending, snooty-pooty, elitist)
• A woman.  
• Both men and women..particularly older women.
• "She only stayed married to Bill to advance her political agenda"
• "Not sanctioned in the Bible" (particularly in Robeson County, NC)
• Military + veterans: "Can't see a woman as Commander-in-Chief"
• Blue collar: "Not big on women being in charge"

c. Would another democrat have won?  Most said "Yes," Biden.  Some thought Bernie was more electable.  Even Hillary supporters suffered from an enthusiasm gap -- huge deficit in yard signs (people were lining up and making their own Trump signs!), democrats said: "lesser of two evils", weaker ground organization (than Trump).

d. Unions less of a factor: lacking enthusiasm, fewer Union jobs equals fewer people helping.

The National Democratic Party:

a. Voters viewed National races and Local races differently.  Democrats voted Democratic for local/ state races but for Trump at top of ticket.

b. The National Democratic Party focused on issues that did not seem important locally:  transgender bathrooms, homosexuality, inclusive treatment of minorities, the environment.  Whereas Trump was talking about "my jobs, my livelihood".  A Republican leader said: "I went to the marriage of a gay friend of mine.  I appreciated that he held it in his home.  That way it didn't need to be an issue with the church."  The feeling was the Dem party was rubbing social issues in their faces.

c. Same for pro-life and Guns.  The Thanksgiving holiday stretches to Monday.  Why?  This is the first day of rifle deer season.  This is the big holiday -- not a ski week as in Northern California.

d. Dem National Party is out of touch: Elitist, Condescending, Fringe Issues, Big City Party.  Dem party leader in Michigan: "We need to stop being the party that thinks we know what's best."

The Plight of These Americans:

Henry David Thoreau: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Joe: The Trump election shows us that the masses are no longer quiet.  Why was Trump attractive and his shortcomings overlooked?  "He was talking about things that mattered to me."

In each of these three counties, jobs have been leaving for 25 years or more:

In Robeson County textiles replaced tobacco.  Nothing with similar pay has replaced textiles.
In Cambrian County -- nothing has replaced coal and steel.
In Macomb -- Auto industry.

People knew to the day when the plants had closed in the community.  "I have 45% of my earning potential compared with 2001."  Such an exact calculation on the downward trend of wages marked by the closing of a major employer.

Joe: "What about TARP?"
Locals: "Didn't see it here. "After we pay all our taxes, where is the Federal government?  We don't see the benefits here."

20 year old: "When you grow up here you plan to get out."

Working Class: "We are working harder, getting paid less, pension is gone, health care coverage sucks."

Joe heard about lots of sickness, drug addiction.

Summary: "It's been the same story for 40 years.  Is anyone listening?  Does anyone get it?"  And then Trump came along "to the rescue".  At least he said what we've been saying and feeling.

"When he talked about jobs it was emotional heroin." 

"False hope is better than no hope at all."

"It is time to shake up the snow globe."

So what?

Joe's thoughts on what this mean for Silicon Valley, his constituents?   Why we (in Santa Clara County, CA) should care:

1. We can't leave millions of working, or want-to-be-working Americans behind-- it’s morally wrong.
2. It is risky.  When people are desperate they make desperate choices.  James Baldwin said,"The most dangerous creation of any society is the man who has nothing to lose." Joe responds, "I met a lot of people who thought that they had nothing to lose."
3. California is a donor state: we send more money to DC than we get back.  Joe concludes:

All of us in this room as taxpayers are picking up the tab for these systemic failures in these communities I visited.  To look the other way is morally wrong, politically dangerous and unbelievably expensive.

Recording:

Here is my amateur recording of Joe's talk.  The sound quality is low but you can hear clearly what he is saying.  At the end (after minute 40:00) are questions and then a few dead, noisy minutes at the end (sorry).
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B3m1gHkaUTHHOTR6aDFlek9LS0k

Joe Simitian:  https://www.sccgov.org/sites/d5/Pages/d5-supervisor-joe-simitian.aspx

-- Peter

Anticipation

We are two weeks from starting the trip.  I was asked to write something about my “expectations.”  This came as a bit of a shock.  I didn’t have any expectations.

People tend to respond to me as if they think that I agree with them.  This is accurate.  At least to an extent I do agree with them.  The thing is, after I talk with two people with quite different viewpoints I get the feeling  that they both think I agree with them.  This is also often true.  People make good and valid points on many sides of an issue.  When I hear and understand those good and valid points, I agree with them.  Even when my own filters say that any particular point they are making is not accurate, I usually determine that a position is deeply felt and that I am likely to learn more by not contesting the point they are trying to make.  I believe that this is the correct approach.  I have long contended that “feelings” are valid without proof that they are also “facts.”

During my whole, and now long, life people have treated me well.  I am not sure why this is true.  I sometimes say, “people treat me better than they should.”

My work as an attorney put me in a place where I represented people with whom I had serious disagreements, but unless those disagreements significantly affected my ability to represent them, I could set aside the issue and get on with the task at hand.

My work with Fools Mission has allowed me to work alongside people with very different cultural backgrounds, values and experiences.  This is actually one of the most attractive parts of the organization: learning how to bridge differences and resolve issues side by side.

Respect is the bedrock requirement for understanding.  The first UU principle of “dignity and respect for all people” was one of the things I found most compelling about Unitarian Universalism.  If one has respect for others it is really easy to find common ground.  Once on common ground, conversations become easier and more productive.

So what am I anticipating?  I think that this will work.  I don’t think that we will solve the problems of the world.  But I do expect to return with a greater understanding than I had before we started.

-- David

I'd Rather Stay in My Bubble

This past Wednesday I was explaining the plan for our Listening tour to a member of my book group.  She listened with interest, and shared an opinion that I should keep my expectations for common ground very low.  Then she concluded by commenting, "I hope you have an interesting tour.  But I'd never want to do it.  I want to stay right here in my bubble."


It was the first time I'd heard someone say this sentiment so forthrightly.  I've become used to the comments: "Wow, what a great idea."  "Wow, how do you have time to do that?"  "Wow, that is an interesting idea."  "Oh, I know someone (usually a spouse) who would love to join you."  "Hmmm, interesting."

But this woman expressed what I believe most of us feel most of the time.  We are comfortable in our nests of friends, family, neighborhood, church, workplace, social networks, obligations.  And even when we notice or suspect that our "bubble" may be an echo chamber, we still accept it."  This is a lot about the inertia of our lives.  And it is a lot about human nature:  we seek out the comfort and ease -- the opinions, values, socioeconomic and cultural communities, even climate -- of what we have grown used to.

-- Peter

A Little Help from Our Friends

Let’s get one thing clear from the outset of this listening tour: we are amateurs.  Sure, we know how to converse,  how to make travel arrangements, the niceties of bringing a present when visiting others and thanking them for their gift of time.  But in terms of listening well, finding a representative group of strangers willing to hold thoughtful conversations, taking good notes and crafting thoughtful blog posts...it is all new to us.

To make up for our deficit of experience, we've been reading, trying to learn from others who have tried something similar (see the post "Listening to Listeners"), and asking friends for advice. This morning we held a forum at our Church (Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Redwood City).  We asked the folks who joined us for questions that they’d like to have the answers to and suggestions for our “tour”... then we practiced listening carefully.  Here are a few of the many helpful comments and suggestions:

• How will you get beyond the pleasantries and “Midwestern Nice” level of conversation?

• Be prepared to answer the same questions we will be asking...and more!

• Listen to radio stations as we drive across the US and in Wisconsin. This is a great way to hear what is happening locally and across the radio dial you’ll hear what the “background noise” is in communities.  Even the NPR stations will have very different programming than in the SF Bay Area.

• Be ready to say “yes” if we are invited to a church, event, barbeque.  “What can we bring?”  These invitations are more likely to lead to substantive conversations.

• Learn about the “red pill” (Matrix movie reference).  This is big on YouTube and refers to the anti-liberal reality as compared with the “blue pill” fantasy land of the liberal media. 
   
• Don’t get stuck on the liberal/ conservative or republican/ democratic labels -- these maybe breaking down.  Bernie and Trump both created passion among their supporters...is it more establishment “elite” versus “outsiders?”

There were also some strong opinions shared.  These we wrote down.  They will be a good reference point for the Forum we plan upon our return when we share what we learned.

We can use all of the ideas you have...please add a comment to this post or email me: pdhartzell@gmail.com.

-- Peter

The Background

We (David Vallerga and Peter Hartzell) are friends who live in the bubble of the San Francisco Bay Area, Redwood City to be exact.  Through our professional lives, Unitarian faith, travel and volunteer activities we believed we had a broad and considered perspective on life in 21st century America.  However, after the acrimonious 2016 Presidential election cycle and election of Donald Trump, we realized that there was much about our country and fellow citizens that we did not understand. Inspired by the sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s recent book Strangers in Their Own Land, we decided to “get out of our bubble” and learn.

We chose the Racine, Wisconsin from a long list of places we would love to get to know better.  We would be travel from California in an RV and spend about two weeks in and around Racine in early-mid October.  We are arranging to listen to a large number of people, for meeting people with a range of experiences and perspectives is essential. We hope to get to know a few people more deeply.  From these conversations we expect to write some of our impressions and learnings in this  blog for friends and family.  We also plan to package our experience into a presentation we can share with friends at home upon our return.

The overarching “rule” for this Listening Tour project is to listen respectfully and seek to understand the experiences of others with an open mind.  We have questions we hope to explore. But we will not push our perspective...our goal is to improve our own perspective because we have a lot to learn from the experiences of others.

If this trip helps us to feel more connected to a variety of other fellow Americans, we believe it will have been a success.

David Vallerga 
Born in Richmond, California and raised in San Mateo County; never lived outside of the San Francisco Bay area.  Married, five grown children and six grandchildren.  Retired attorney who specialized in mediation toward the end of his practice.

Peter Hartzell 
Born, raised and lives on the San Francisco peninsula.  Married with two college-aged daughters.  Has lived in New England, New York City, Charleston, SC, Southern Indiana as well as internationally in Asia and Europe.   Employee of Cummins Inc. for 13 years then owner of small construction/ service business for 12 years.

-- Peter and Dave