Two Ears, One Mouth: The Art of Listening

Listening well

When I told my sister Liz about our plans for a Listening Tour she winced, “Peter, but you don’t know how to listen!”  And when, later in the weekend she met and had a conversation with Dave full of his wit and repartee, she was NOT reassured.  Liz is practicing Shambhala, a Buddhist practice founded by a Tibetan monk.  She is learning a method of listening that is very intentional.  Instead of the I’m-listening-to-what-you-are-saying-noises -- “uh huh,” “yes,” "uh, I see" -- Liz is learning to listen intensely but passively.  She explained that this is the way to be a compassionate listening. "Oh, and don’t interrupt or tell your story in response to theirs," she adds, eliminating one of my favorite "listening techniques."  Liz says, "Leave silences after someone speaks so they know there is still room for them to continue if they have more to say."

This coaching from my sister made me realize that given the main purpose of our trip was “to listen,” Dave and I better step up our games-- maybe even practice a little.  At one of our regular Friday morning planning breakfasts, we reviewed a document called “listening stumbling blocks,” a humbling exercise that describes twelve ways that people listen poorly.  We could each claim four or five -- unwittingly demonstrating them as we talked over each other at breakfast.

Listening to people with whom you disagree

With our listening-skills-awareness activated, we began to realize that it is one thing to listen better to family and friends, but  it is another to listen to people who may say things that we disagree with, or worse, find offensive.  To help us prepare for these more difficult, but essential encounters, I turned to a cottage industry of organizations and practitioners in what I'll group as "bridging the divide" activists.

One is Megan Phelps-Roger who grew up in the inflammatory, intolerant Westboro Baptist Church.  In a TedTalk she tells the story of her upbringing in the Church and subsequent evolution leading to her leaving it and teaching others techniques for respectfully engaging people with whom you disagree.  Her instructions are:

1. Don’t assume bad intent
2. Ask honest questions
3. Stay Calm
4. Make the Argument, Explain

Dave and I have forsworn item 4, Make the Argument.  We believe we don't have an argument to make until we better understand the perspective of people who see things differently that we do.  But it is good to know where it fits in.  (And maybe we'll need item 4 upon our return to the Bay Area!)

Yesterday, on the eve of departure, I met with Kern Beare.  Kern was inspired by the same gut wrenching feeling Dave and I had last November: “I don’t understand how many American’s think.” Kern, who is much more of a professional in the world of listening and facilitating difficult conversations than we, hit the road in January on a Pop The Bubble Tour. Along the way he crafted five techniques: Be Curious, Listen to Understand, Be Respectful, Stick With It, and End Well.  He is now leading half-day workshops aimed at building both the skills of listening and processes for using dialog with people with whom you don't agree to help bridge gaps and heal communities.

Difficult Conversations: A Cottage Industry

Other similar programs are also springing up: Livingroom Conversations, Jefferson Dinners, Listen First Project, and Bridge Alliance appears to be an umbrella organization linking these many initiatives.

Eve of Departure

I’m feeling better prepared now.  On the eve of departure Dave and I are aware that HOW we listen is important and there are tested techniques for us to use.  Furthermore, while I now realize our epiphany: "Hey, we need to take a listening tour," is not an original idea, we have fellow travelers on our listening journey road, and the experience of these pros can help guide our trip.

-- Peter